I have been thinking about why it is so hard to ask for help. Like me, you may have many excuses for why you don’t take advantage of others’ expertise, caring or knowledge. Your “reasons” may sound like one of these statements:
I should know how to do this.
I’m too embarrassed to ask.
This is my assignment/problem/family/home/etc. I need to take care of it myself.
They’ll probably say “no.”
They will probably think I’m dumb/inept/needy
I’m sure you get the picture. In fact, based on a study done in 2008, I’m pretty sure you’ve been there. The study showed that people underestimated by as much as 50% the likelihood that others would agree to a direct request for help. No wonder we don’t ask for help. In addition to the excuses listed above, we believe that it will take a lot of effort to do so!
What we fail to understand is that people tend to have a socially influenced bias to say “yes” to a request for help. In other words, providing help is considered the right thing to do. Additionally, there is data that shows that toddlers are happier when they are giving than when they are getting, motivating them to give more and in bigger ways. The researcher describes this as a “warm glow.” This happiness factor can positively impact our desire to help and in turn positively impact stress management and resilience.
The lesson I take from these studies is that, if I ask for help, I will likely get it! In my experience, I have definitely found that people around me are generous and often just waiting to be asked.
You are not alone. There are family members, friends, colleagues, and the stranger on the street who can support you. We build the walls between us when we don’t ask for help. Consider this story:
A little boy was spending his Saturday morning playing in his sandbox. He had with him his box of cars and trucks, his plastic pail, and a shiny, red plastic shovel. In the process of creating roads and tunnels in the soft sand, he discovered a large rock in the middle of the sandbox. The boy dug around the rock, managing to dislodge it from the dirt. With a little bit of struggle, he pushed and nudged the large rock across the sandbox by using his feet. When the boy got the rock to the edge of the sandbox, he found that he couldn’t roll it up and over the wall of sandbox. Determined, the little boy shoved, pushed, and pried, but every time he thought he had made some progress, the rock tipped and then fell back into the sandbox. The little boy grunted, struggled, pushed, & shoved, but his only reward was to have the rock roll back, smashing his chubby fingers. Finally he burst into tears of frustration.
All this time the boy’s father watched from his living room window as the drama unfolded. At the moment the tears fell, a large shadow fell across the boy and the sandbox. It was the boy’s father. Gently but firmly he said, “Son, why didn’t you use all the strength that you had available?” Defeated, the boy sobbed back, “But I did, Daddy, I did! I used all the strength that I had!” “No, son,” corrected the father kindly. “You didn’t use all the strength you had. You didn’t ask me.”
With that the father reached down, picked up the rock and removed it from the sandbox.
As with so many lessons in life, some of the clearest summaries come from children’s stories. Consider these six simple recommendations for getting to “I need help.”
HOW TO ASK FOR HELP
- Remember: it’s okay to ask for help. Don’t be embarrassed, and don’t worry about other people judging you.
- Think what might happen if you don’t get help-or if you do.
- Decide what the problem is and what help you need.
- Think about who you can ask for help. Choose someone you trust who will know how to help you.
- Think about what you’ll say when you ask for help.
- Do it. Remember, getting help when you need it is part of being responsible — to yourself.
17
0
1
11