Americans have long fought against censorship. While freedom of expression and speech are American values, I wonder how many individuals live this same value when it comes to themselves. In my experience, we humans do a lot of self-censoring.
Perhaps you can relate to the following example. You are in a team meeting. There are people on your team whom you deem smarter or more outgoing than yourself. You have several pertinent ideas, but you remain silent. At the end of the meeting you are frustrated with yourself for not speaking. Your self-criticism is exacerbated because the team adopted an idea from another team member; an idea that you had thought of…but censored.
What are the causes behind self-censorship? Depending on the situation, the causes are numerous. I suspect that it comes down to the fact that we often give more power and credence to other people than to ourselves. This may come in the form of “I’m not smart enough,” “I don’t speak the language well enough,” “Someone will disagree with me,” or any number of other debilitating reasons we make up for ourselves. The fact is that each of us has something important to offer to our team mates, friends, and family, indeed, to the world. And when we self-censor, we minimize or possibly destroy the positive impact and potential we have.
Don Miguel Ruiz, says in his book , The Four Agreements, As you make a habit of not taking anything personally, you won’t need to place your trust in what others do or say. You will only need to trust yourself to make responsible choices. You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you. When you truly understand this, and refuse to take things personally, you can hardly be hurt by the careless comments or actions of others.”
I think that not taking things personally is easier said than done. I often recommend that clients ask a question when dealing with this situation: “What else could be true?” As you head down the path toward self-censorship, ask this question and see what your rational mind tells you. You may hear things like:
- The comment that Susan made is more about her than it is about me.
- Several of my ideas have been adopted by this very team.
- The only way to get better at this is to practice.
- This team really values me.
- Phil is having a tough time these days.
In the litany of answers to the question,” What else might be true?” I hope you discover the certainty that what you do and say is an important expression of your gifts, knowledge and purpose. Taking things personally only shuts you down and self-censorship does not have a place here.
If all else fails, remember the words of Bernard Baruch who said, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
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