I’m sure you have heard the admonition that you are a human “being” not a human “doing.” This reminder was probably delivered just as you were running from one meeting to another, with too much on your plate and too little human connection or meaning. I have been thinking about this idea of “being” and how I can be a more conscious human “being” in every part of my life.
Why does this idea of “being” matter? I think it matters because ultimately it is the biggest influence on what people remember about you, whether from one interaction or hundreds. Probably more than once you have thought or said, “It wasn’t what you said, but how you said it.” That is the impact of “being.” It is, according to the book, Co-Active Coaching: Changing Business, Transforming Lives, the “attitude and emotional state that motivates and supports action.”
I had a client, whom I will call Jill. She was a very talented young leader who, for the first time, was regularly interacting with senior leaders. While, as a rule, Jill had strong relationships with her colleagues, she really struggled to have constructive and productive interactions with the senior leader of her group, whom I’ll call David. While it was all well and good to talk through the kind of language she might use in talking to him, what body language would communicate collaboration or what self talk would keep her from getting triggered; what really made the difference was when she began to think about and own who she wanted to “be” in the interactions and in the relationship with David. Put simply, Jill considered “how” she wanted to engage with him. This query caused her to look inward and produced comments like “I want to be non-judgmental,” “I want to be strong and smart, but not cocky,” “I want to be in service to the ultimate goal,” “I want to be unattached to the outcome.” By exploring what each of these statements meant, what they looked like and what was important about them, Jill began to develop an intention and a feel for who she would “be” in the next scheduled conversation with David. Ultimately, she left that meeting with a more positive and satisfied feeling; in spite of the fact that she had not “gotten everything” she wanted. Indeed, both Jill and David felt it had been a very constructive meeting. Jill’s “being” or “how” ultimately won the day because it positively influenced her “doing.”
Jiddu Krishnamurti, a speaker and author who lived in the last century said, “The understanding of relationship is infinitely more important than the search for any plan of action.” To me, this statement underscores the importance of considering the “being” or “how” before you ever decide on or take action.
Like in Jill’s successful use of “being,” you too can take the time needed to define the attitude and emotional state that will motivate and support the outcome desired. In some cases, the outcome may be one that the organization has set forth. In other cases, the outcome may be very particular to your own goals and desires. Clearly define the outcome and then determine how you want to “be” in the situation.
The bottom line is, when you strengthen your ability to be a human “being” you become a much more focused, effective and connected human “doing.”
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