I recently heard a news story about competition and how to develop a healthy sense of self so that you are not devastated if you lose. This story talked about how humans learn at an early age about winning and losing and that Vince Lombardi may not have had it right when he said – “winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.”
Instead of focusing on winning and losing, the story advocated for concentrating on improving. My first reaction was “cool.” My second reaction was “that’s not the way we humans do things.” So often in our sports, our corporate, or our personal lives, we focus on who is the best and who is the worst. There is a ruler for everything and we are all lined up on it. Does it have to be this way?
Certainly competition can make us better… and maybe getting better is all we should be worried about.
Have you ever had jelly legs? The young swimmer in the story said she knew when she had done well when she had “jelly legs.” What an awesome measure! It’s not about how we compare, it’s about how much we push ourselves to do our very best; to exhaust ourselves in the pursuit of improving.
How might this perspective change your approach to life?
First, it might mean that you evaluate what is really important to you. Anything that doesn’t make the “really important” section of the list, whether it’s nice cars, a promotion at work, or winning the weekend basketball game, goes on the “this is fine just the way it is list.” With this approach, it doesn’t really matter what the proverbial “Joneses” are doing. You are truly living in line with your values.
Second, you look at what is at the top of this list – what is most important to you. This is not the time to get out that ruler to measure yourself against others. Instead, set some goals for each one of these important things. Then measure how you’re doing and where you are improving. You may do this when you are learning a new skill, taking on new tasks in your job, or assessing your parenting skills. Define improvement, set milestones and go all out to improve. You’ll know you are succeeding when you have “jelly legs.”
As a coach, I want to continue to grow and improve my skills. It is very easy to compare myself with other coaches who may have larger practices or seem to be doing something better than I do. How is this helpful? All I can be is the best me possible and that takes an internal focus and measure. I happen to like to work out and have begun to use a workout metaphor for how I want to coach every day. I want to push myself, build up a virtual sweat and know that, at the end of that workout, I have gone all out in the service of my client.
The news story ends with a much later quote from Coach Lombardi, one that points to improvement, playing all out and knowing you did your best. He said it this way: “If every single man on our team knows, when the game’s over, that he played the best ballgame he was capable of, I can’t fault him.”
Play your best ballgame, get “jelly legs,” and know that winning or losing is not as important as how you show up on the way to achieving your personal goals.
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